50 Shades of Blue - Ella Series
by NettieC
Summary: Part 1 of 2, It's time for Harm and Mac to get away and celebrate her 50th birthday.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: all the usual stuff...

Part 1/2

The sultry night air curled around his bare legs as Harm stood on the deck of their ocean view room at the Pink Sands Resort. Having just returned from dinner, Mac had asked Harm to give her ten minutes to freshen up after a hectic day and he had quickly agreed. Now, standing looking out at the expanse of blue in the fading light, Harm was feeling all sorts of things.

Primarily, he was nervous, very nervous. Shaking his head Harm tried some deep breathing exercises and tried to clear his head. It didn't work. Here they were, their first night of Mac's 50th birthday vacation and he was nervous. It had been 57 days since her surgery, 78 since they'd last made love and he couldn't get a grip on his emotions. He hadn't been this nervous when Mac had taken his hand and led him to her bedroom 17 years ago when they had first made love. He hadn't been this nervous when Sandra McLeod had done the same thing when he was 16 and about to lose his virginity.  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Mac said, appearing from nowhere and surprising him.  
"View's amazing," he said, keeping his eyes straight ahead.  
"Aha," she agreed, wrapping her arms around his waist.  
"Weather's just perfect," he continued, trying to keep his voice steady.  
"Aha," she agreed again. There was silence before Mac continued. "Wanna tell me why you're so nervous?"  
"I'm not nervous!" he replied quickly as he finally looked at her.  
"So, it's my imagination that you have been standing out here for 23 minutes, looking at your shaking hands and trying to breathe deeply?" she questioned gently as she moved around in front of him, her arms still around his middle.  
"Oops," he said, dropping his head and resting his forehead on hers. "Guess I've been sprung," he added, realising that lying about it wouldn't help matters.  
"Sprung indeed," she replied, releasing one hand and caressing his face. "Talk to me."  
"I can't remember feeling this nervous about sex before," he said honestly, avoiding her eyes. "I want to...god knows I want to...but I have butterflies the size of F-18's and my heart's going a million miles an hour."  
"Harm," she said quietly, raising his face. Looking into his eyes she couldn't ever remember them being as dark blue as they were right then. "What's there to be nervous about? It's me."

Harm shrugged; there was nothing to be nervous about – it was Mac, his wife. They had made love more times that he could count. They were very experienced in knowing what they other liked, needed, wanted. They were deeply, desperately and devoutly in love and yet he was still nervous.

Dropping her arms, Mac stepped back before turning and making her way to the deck railing. Staring out into the now darkness, she tried to keep a hold on her emotions. Desperate for her husband for weeks and now with the all clear, she had built up this night in her mind as a perfect evening for encounters of many kinds. For a moment Harm let her be before moved to stand behind her, his arms wrapping tightly around her black silk robe clad waist, his head resting on hers.  
"It's me," she repeated but this time it was with disappointment in her voice. "I know things might be different after the surgery but I thought you said you were alright with that."  
"I am alright with that," he said confidently. "I meant it when I told you that the surgery wasn't going to impact on my desire for you – and it hasn't."  
"Sure," she whispered. "Except you have no desire to actually touch me."  
"I'm touching you right now," he replied holding her tighter. "And believe me my hands have been itching to touch you for weeks and weeks."  
"Then why are you so nervous?" she questioned, turning in his arms and studying his face.  
"Honestly, I don't know," he admitted. "Up until dinner I was desperate for the end of this day to come. Hell, I even had Bud drop us at the airport an hour earlier than necessary just to get things underway."  
"Yeah, I noticed that," Mac replied with a small smile. "So, what happened after dinner?"  
"Walking back here the nerves just hit. I love you more than anything. I want you more than anything. I guess, if I had to pinpoint something, it would be ..." His voice trailed as he tried to figure out the best way to phrase it.  
"What?" she prompted, concern in her eyes.  
"The day of your surgery...it still gets to me," he admitted, his deep blue eyes becoming shiny. "I know you're alright and I know I said I was alright and everything else...but..." He paused and took a deep breath. "I don't want to hurt you...you know, physically."

Linking her arms around her husband's neck, Mac drew him closer before kissing him gently.  
"I love you so much, Harmon," she whispered. "We both heard what the doctor said – 'things might feel a little different at first but there shouldn't be any pain'."  
"I know," he said with a nod. "I just can't bear the thought of causing you pain."  
"Honey, you won't," she replied adamantly. "What will hurt is if you don't make love to me at all."  
Drawing another deep breath, Harm nodded. "Promise me you'll tell me if it's too much...or it hurts ...or...or..."  
"Too much talking," Mac said before her lips covered his and a very deep and tender kiss ensued.

Entwined on the deck, the pair continued to kiss, only stopping for oxygen when it was essential. It wasn't long before Harm had begun to walk backwards, bringing his wife with him into their room before disrobing her.  
"Dear god!" he muttered when he saw the sheer silk black negligee she was wearing underneath and suddenly his nerves were gone. "That has to be illegal."

Stepping back, Mac looked down and examined the garment she was wearing. It had taken her hours to find this particular item and she had known the minute she had tried it on that it was perfect.  
"This old thing," she said dismissively.  
"Oh, believe me," he whispered hoarsely. "I'd definitely remember seeing this before." His finger traced the plunging neckline all the way to her navel. "Definitely."  
"Glad you like it," she said with a relieved smile. Sure, she had thought he would but she had bought it on a day she wasn't feeling too confident about herself as a woman after the surgery and so she had had second thoughts.  
"Like it?" he said, dragging his eyes up to hers. "I don't like it – I love it!" He kissed her soundly before pulling back. "But I love what's underneath it more," he added. "50 years old and you are still by far the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

Mac blushed before dropping her head muttering something. "What was that" he asked, raising her head.  
"I said 49 and 363 days, thank you very much," she replied, a spark of mischievousness in her eyes.  
"Oh, that's right," he replied. "Still two days to go...and I had your present all ready to go as I thought you wanted the ...how did you phrase it? You wanted me to consider the whole ten days as your birthday..."  
"Oh, hmmm," Mac said, chewing on her bottom lip. "I did say that, didn't I?"  
"Yes, you did. Changed your mind?" he asked playfully.  
"No, not exactly," she said slowly. "I want my present...just don't want the whole f-i-f..."  
"Spelling it out won't change the fact that you, my darling wife, are 50!" he said grinning.  
"Still love me?" she asked wrapping her arms around him once more.  
"More and more every day," he replied kissing her nose.  
"Great!" she said with a broad smile. "I'll take my present now – thank you!"

Ferreting around in his bag, Harm found the black box before turning to face his wife.  
"Happy birthday, Sarah. 50 and fabulous!" he said leaning in to kiss her before he slipped the box into her hands.  
"Thank you, Harmon," she replied with a smile; she had said the same to him when he reached the milestone.

Slowly she opened the box and gasped when she saw the contents. "You remembered!" she said, her eyes sparking like the diamonds on her ring. "I love it! Thank you, thank you." She peppered him with kisses before slipping the ring onto her finger. "I can't believe you remembered."  
"You'd be surprised by what I remember when it comes to you, Sarah MacKenzie – Rabb," he said as she began to kiss him in a way that certainly let him know she loved the ring.  
"Mmmac..." he muttered as she tried to take his shirt off him.  
"What?" she replied, forcing herself to look at him.  
"I think it's time to shift this to the bed," he said, looking at her swollen lips.  
"That was my intention," she replied, her fingers still working his buttons.  
"I know," he said. "But the doors...the light..."  
"Oooh, you want it all dark and secluded, do you?" she sassed as she closed the wooden shuttered doors.  
"Well, I may have one or two things I only want you to see," he replied as he dimmed the lights.  
"That sounds familiar," she said turning to face him. The frown on her face told him she was trying to work out where she'd heard it before.  
"You said it to me the first night you took me into your bedroom to have your wicked way with me," he said with a smirk, knowing he had been an extremely willing and active participant in the whole thing.  
"Oh, so I did," she replied with a smile, the night was one of the highlights of her life. "And you got to see one or two things, didn't you?"  
"Oh, believe me," he said, raising an eyebrow. "I got to see absolutely everything!"  
"And if I remember correctly, you were happy with what you saw," she continued as she pulled back the covers.  
"Ecstatic," he replied, his grin widening. "One of the best nights of my life."  
"Mine too," she agreed climbing into the luxurious king-sized bed. "So, what do I get to see?"  
"Anything you want," he answered, stepping out of his shorts and boxers before dropping his shirt onto the floor.

Casting an eye over her husband's form, Mac grinned to herself. 54 and he was still in fine physical shape...and still very, very pleasing to the eye.  
"Like what you see," he sassed, climbing in alongside her.  
"Always do," she replied gazing into his eyes which were more like his usual colour. She would never tire of his eyes. They were so expressive and Mac was sure there was a different colour for each emotion he experienced. She had seen about 50 different shades of blue, not to mention the times she would swear they were green.  
"Something wrong?" he asked when she had been looking at him a little too intently.  
"I love your eyes. They are incredibly beautiful," she said, creeping closer to him.  
"They're just eyes, Mac," he said, with a shake of his head.  
"You'd be surprised at just how much your baby blues say," she replied, one hand running up and down his arm.  
"I wouldn't say they are baby blue," Harm said, although he wasn't too sure what shade of blue they were.  
"They aren't all the time," Mac agreed, "You may be Navy but, believe me, I know a whole lot more about blues than you."

Leaning forward, Mac kissed him gently and smiled when his strong, steady hand ran over her body and anchored on her butt.  
"Nerves seem to be gone," she said as she pulled back only slightly.  
"Yep," he said with a grin. "Just be gentle with me," he added with a laugh.  
"If you insist," she said, rolling onto him and framing his face with her hands. "Love you."  
"Love you too," he replied before surrendering to his wife.

It was a night of gentle, easy love making as they realised they had all the time in the world and both were still mindful of Mac's recent surgery. As he had done after the births of their children and any medical procedure Mac had had, Harm let her take the lead, set the pace and kept her on top of him, trusting her to know her own body, trusting himself with her.

Come dawn, Mac climbed out of bed to use the bathroom and, in her absence, Harm rolled and settled himself on his stomach. Rather than walk around the bed, Mac lifted the sheet covering her husband's naked form and gasped. There was something there that she hadn't noticed in the darkness the night before and which definitely hadn't been there the last time they were intimate.

Kneeling on the bed, Mac leant over to inspect things a little more closely. Soon, she used her finger to trace the marine green design she found on the top of his left buttock, the exact location where she had hers.  
"Mmmac," he mumbled at her touch. She didn't reply as she studied the rose with the initials SMR curled into the leaves. "Mmmac, you up?"  
"Go back to sleep," she said. "It's still early."  
"Nah, I'd rather..." he started before turning over and catching her expression. "What?"  
"The tattoo...when? Why?" she said shaking her head.  
"Three weeks ago," he replied, sitting up in front of her. "And because I love you."  
"But you once said your body was a temple and you'd never deface it with tattoos," she reminded him.  
"I know," he said. "And it is, but I want to use this temple to worship you."  
"Wow! That's just...um...wow!" she muttered, shaking her head once more. "You know green ink doesn't come off if you change your mind."  
"I know," he said. "The tattooist made a point of telling me that, and, as I said to him, I will never want it to come off."  
"You got it in the same spot where I have mine," she observed, reaching over and caressing his hip.  
"Yep," he said with a grin. "I have to tell you I had a great deal of fun finding that tattoo after years of wondering...figured as you spend time watching my bare six that you might find it fun too."  
"Oh, I will," she said, moving in to kiss him, which she did deeply and passionately.

Then, in the breaking light of another glorious day in the Bahamas, Mac showed her husband just how much she loved him. It was nearly lunch time before she decided he'd been thanked enough and she was starving.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: all the usual stuff...

Sun, sand, sea, shopping, sightseeing and sex were key features of the 50th birthday vacation for Mac and Harm. As too were daily phone calls to the children in DC and to Trish and Frank in La Jolla. After a very active day of last minute shopping and an afternoon of parasailing, the pair dined out before setting back for their resort.

Strolling hand in hand, Harm looked down at his wife who had been too quiet over the past hour.  
"Anything I can help you with, gorgeous?" he asked, breaking their link before wrapping his arm around her. "You're very quiet."  
"Nah, I'm fine," she said, leaning her head on him. "Just thinking."  
"About?" he prompted gently.  
"Just how wonderful this vacation has been," she said as she stopped and looked up at him. "I miss the kids and all but ..." Her arms wrapped around his waist.  
"But..." he prompted once more.  
"Part of me would love to stay here with you forever," she said, a gentle smile on her face.  
"I would love that too," he replied before leaning down and kissing her.

Before long they recommenced their journey, Harm happy with Mac's responses, Mac concerned that she was feeling emotions she was struggling to name. She didn't want to spoil their vacation by getting into any deep discussion, especially when she wasn't sure what her problem was, and she was just happy he had let the matter go.

After a session of gentle, relaxed lovemaking Harm fell asleep while Mac lay there with a jumble of thoughts running through her mind. Taking a few deep breaths, Mac tried to streamline those thoughts into something she could work with and eventually she did. Moving back to watch her husband sleep, Mac rested both of her hands under her cheek, lest she be tempted to reach out and touch him; not that she wasn't allowed, she just didn't want to disturb him.

All these years on, she could still categorically say he was by far the most beautiful man she'd ever met. The deepening of the lines around his eyes and the sprinkling of grey through his dark locks had made Harm look distinguished, yet in her mind he had always looked that way. She may have told him otherwise years and years ago, but dress whites and gold wings did a lot for him, it had done a hell of a lot for her too. Age had only enhanced his good looks and she wondered if the same could be said for her.

However, their relationship was about more than just looks and her husband was even more beautiful on the inside. When she had the time to stop and consider it, she really was amazed at the transformation she had seen in him over the years. For the first eight years they had worked together, the man couldn't seem to put together a sentence when the topic pertained to them. They had managed a well choreographed dance of denial, missed opportunity and miscommunication which had almost destroyed them both. And yet, when they finally saw the light, he had become eloquently articulate in declaring his love and devotion, something which she had never tired of hearing.

Smiling to herself, Mac recalled the moment when they 'saw the light'.

***  
Their relationship hadn't been in the best of states but both had agreed to attend AJ's sixth birthday. The burden of the baby deal still playing heavily on them both as they tried to be happy and light-hearted for the sake of their godson and his family. When Mac had departed the Roberts' residence after the tidying up was completed and she'd tucked AJ into bed, she hadn't said goodbye to Harm. He'd been out on the back porch on his phone and Mac didn't want to interrupt.

Mac had been home twenty minutes, just enough time to change from her party-spattered clothes to her burgundy cotton pyjamas, when there was a knock on her door. Once she spied the visitor through the peep hole she was very tempted to leave the door shut.  
"Mac, I know you're there," Harm said patiently. Reluctantly, she had opened the door. "Can I come in, please?" he asked, when Mac had made no gesture.  
"Sure," she replied hesitantly before stepping aside.

Once inside there was an uneasy silence before Harm spoke once more. "You never said goodbye," he said, standing just inside the door.  
"You were on your phone," she said quietly. "I didn't want to disturb."  
"I wouldn't have minded," he replied, his hands sliding into his pockets.  
Mac just sighed and shrugged, she couldn't keep up with what he did and didn't mind these days. "Sorry." Then there was an uneasy silence once more. "So, is that all you came to say?" she had asked finally.  
"Yes...no," he had corrected himself. "Mac, why are things like this between us?"  
"I don't know, Harm, I honestly don't," she said sadly.  
"Don't you want something more?" he questioned. "Because I do," he added quickly.  
"I do, but we haven't even been able to have a civil conversation in weeks unless it was work related," she reminded him as she fidgeted with a button.  
"Words are the tools of our trade but they always seem to get in the way as far as we are concerned, don't they?" Harm said, shaking his head and sighing deeply.

Mac considered his words and deemed them to be correct. Harm watched a hundred emotions flickered across her face before she drew a few deep breaths.  
"Are you okay, Mac?" he asked, reaching out to touch her arm.  
Mac shook her head before taking his hand in hers. "You're right, words haven't helped us at all," she said before leading him to her bedroom. "Perhaps actions will serve us better."  
"Mac?"Harm choked the word out when he realised her intention. "Are you..."  
"Not a word," she cautioned him as they stood in the doorway of her bedroom.  
"I was just..." he began again.  
"One more word and this is never going to happen," Mac said seriously. "Your choice."  
Harm clamped his mouth shut and pretended to lock it and throw away the key.

After an incredible encounter, Harm was the first one to speak. "Well, that answers that!" he said, falling back onto what would be his side of the bed forevermore.  
"What does?" Mac panted, turning her head to watch him.  
"Over the years, with all the unresolved sexual tension and stuff, I've often wondered if making love with you was going to be all that I had imagined..." he said, still trying to catch his breath.  
"And?" she prompted when he offered nothing else.  
"Well, it wasn't as I imagined," he said, rolling on his side to face her. "Because even my imagination had no idea that sex could be like that. That was...incredible...amazing...fantastic...oh, I am allowed to speak now, aren't I?"  
"Yes, you are," she said with a laugh. "Especially if you're going to use words like that."  
"It was sensational, marvellous, miraculous..." he continued, an ever-growing smile on his face.  
"Miraculous?" Mac questioned, trying not to lose herself in his dazzling blue eyes.  
"Aha," he replied. "Because I have wanted you, in this way, for so very long and, honestly, I was beginning to doubt we'd ever get here."  
"I've wanted you in this way for a while too," she agreed, tentatively reaching out to touch his upper arm. "But, to me, this is more than just sex. I don't want this to be a one-off..."  
"Oh, I have no intention of not repeating this," he said with a broad grin.  
Mac laughed but then added seriously; "I don't just want to be someone you have sex with. I want the whole thing – love, marriage, children..."  
"Then I'm definitely the man for you because I want you for the whole love, marriage, children too...and the sex...my god, Mac, you're incredible..." he gushed and Mac laughed before a night of amazing encounters took place.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Harm asked groggily as he watched Mac watching him.  
"Just thinking," she said, reaching out to caress his cheek.  
"'bout?" he asked with a yawn and Mac just shrugged. "What's wrong?" he asked as her tears welled. "Hey?" He pulled her too him and kissed her head.  
"I love you so damn much," she said but it was muffled by his chest.  
"What was that?" he asked, pulling back slightly.  
"I said I love you so damn much," she repeated trying to blink away her tears.  
"I love you too, gorgeous, but why does it look like you're going to cry?" he questioned.  
"Because I am," she said, realising it was inevitable.

Much to Harm's alarm, Mac clung to him and wept. Wrapping her tightly in his arms, Harm whispered his love and devotion to her all the while trying to figure out where this raw emotion had come from. To his reckoning, they'd had a perfect vacation. Yes, they had missed the kids but they'd be seeing them the following day, so that couldn't be it.  
"Come on, gorgeous," he whispered. "Just breathe, just breathe," he added, rubbing her back.  
"It's all good," were her first audible words.  
"It's all good?" he repeated and she nodded. "Are you sure?"  
"Aha," she said, pulling back and wiping her face. "Sorry."  
"Don't apologise," he said softly. "Just tell me."

Mac took a few deep breaths. "I'm 50," she said and Harm nodded. "And I have been doing a lot of thinking about being that...this old...and, I must admit, I wasn't looking forward to it. Then over this trip things have crystallised for me and ...and..."  
"Just take it easy," he reminded her and he stroked her face.  
"I love you," she said again and this was beginning to concern Harm. Was her love for him the cause of such distress?  
"And I love you," he whispered before kissing her forehead.  
"I've known you half of my life," she said with greater composure. "It hasn't always been easy but, as it's gotten us to where we are today, I wouldn't change a thing."  
Not knowing what to say, he kissed her forehead again.  
"My life seems to be occurring in 16 – 17 year episodes," she said and Harm was struggling to follow. "My childhood was difficult, my teen years somewhat disastrous. By the time I was 18, Uncle Matt was trying to straighten me out. Then there were another 17 years of ... well, for want of a better term, being in the limbo. I joined the marines, got myself on the straight and narrow, studied law, met you...I was always trying to make up for my past...build a future and struggled to live in the present."  
"Aha," was all he could really offer as he had no idea what she was trying to get at.  
"Then 17 years ago, we slept together for the first time...and as they say, the rest is history," she said and Harm was concerned she could wrap up their lives together so casually. "And I was laying here thinking of that night and how it was the most pivotal point of my life."  
"That's a good thing, right?" he asked, still somewhat confused.  
"That's a really good thing," she confirmed with a smile.  
"Okay," he said with a nod. "Gorgeous," he added taking her hand. "I'm really sorry but you're going to have to help me out. I can't get a read on what's going on here. Are you upset? Are you trying to tell me something? Are you...are you...I don't know."  
Leaning forward, Mac kissed him. "I'm happy...maybe a little anxious..."  
"About?" he prompted, squeezing her hand.  
"If things go as history dictates, then I'm about to embark on the next episode of my life and I'm just a little concerned as to how that will go," she admitted honestly.  
"Well, using history as a guide, I'd say it will be the best phase yet," he said, pulling her closer.  
"Do you really think so?" she asked, moulding her body into his.  
"I really do," he said, kissing her briefly. "Don't you?"  
"Yes," she said too slowly for Harm's liking and he raised an eyebrow. "I do...It's just ...Sometimes my childhood...adolescence...feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like it was a million years ago and not even part of my life. I never thought I'd reach 20 let alone 50 and now I have and am looking forward and well, do you realise that in another 17 years, you'll have already hit 70 and I won't be far behind. Most likely, we'll have a grandchild or two, we'll both be retired, the kids will have all moved out..."  
"Most likely we'll have lost mom and dad," he said sadly, and Mac nodded. "As sad as it will be, it's all part of life, Mac, and we just have to live each day to the utmost."  
"I know," she agreed. "It's just that the bad years seemed to last forever and these good ones are flying past."  
"I know," he agreed. "Some mornings I look in the mirror and wonder when I got so old."  
"You don't look old to me," she said as she kissed him.  
"You don't look old to me either," he replied before kissing her back. "I only see you as Mac, my amazing, incredible, beautiful wife."  
"Are you going to be saying that in 17 years time?" she questioned.  
"Certainly," he replied with great confidence. "Since the day I met you I've seen you the same way...just got a bit easier when I could say wife...before that it was often hard to know where we stood...what term to use..."  
"Oh, I remember those days," she said with a weary smile. "It was a frustrating period, to say the least."  
"Tell me about it," he said, pulling her closer to him. "There were times when I could have sworn there was a scriptwriter in charge of our lives; and a bad one at that!"  
"And, as we found out, things got a whole hell of a lot better when we stopped talking," she said with a grin.  
"Most definitely," he agreed. "That night still makes me smile."  
"I should hope so," Mac sassed. "It's just a shame it took us so long to get to that point."  
"I know," Harm agreed. "But who's to say things would have gone as well if we'd gotten to that point earlier."  
"True," she said with a nod. "Almost didn't make it as it was," she reminded him sadly.  
"But that was never about us not loving each other, or wanting each other," he pointed out. "That was about us both being in too much pain and not able to deal with it."  
"But we've gotten better at dealing with things, haven't we?" she said, resting her head on his chest.  
"Yep," he said, kissing her head. "And do you know what I'd like to deal with now?"  
"Oh, I have a fair idea," she said, feeling his arousal due to her close proximity.  
"Are we okay?" he checked before starting anything.  
"Yeah, we're good," she said, kissing him.  
"And are you okay?" he checked, caressing her cheek. "About everything?"  
"So long as you are alongside me, I'm very okay with everything," she said with a nod.  
"Good, because I will be there, loving you, every step of the way," he whispered, before kissing her cheek.  
"And I'll be there loving you too, whatever comes our way," Mac replied, losing herself in his eyes once more.  
"What are you thinking now?" he asked, catching a change in her expression.  
"I love your eyes," she said quietly. "They are so deep and soulful and the colours are amazing."  
"Exactly how many colours?" he questioned as he rolled them over.  
Mac grinned. "50 shades of blue."


End file.
